Exhausted...

2011-11-02T20:57:00.000-07:00

Yeah...

I'm pretty tired tonight.

I couldn't write much if I wanted to.

However, I hope everyone had a wonderful Halloween!

My costume rocked at the party!

Don't forget to tip your waitress!

Have a good night!

;-)

I'm only human...

2011-10-31T14:09:00.000-07:00

For the first time I am scared. I realized this today while working; it hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't know why it all came at once but I guess that's how emotion is. When I say for the first time, I lied. I've lived my life completely petrified of everything. It’s like...something just hit me. A friend and I were talking about me getting married and she asked me if it was what I wanted. I told her I couldn't think of anything else that sounded more appealing. I've spent my entire life talking about getting away from all the drama in my life and I am finally realizing what I have here, which is my family, my friends, my life. I'm ready to see more. I am ready to be free, petrified, feel love to the fullest. It’s just like ripping yourself from the nest I suppose, that's what scares me. Although...at my age...I should have done that already. We move forward, some of us backwards; some of us just stand still. I'm sick of standing still. I am sick of fear holding me back, but what am I going to lose? How much am I going to lose that I won't be able to get back? It’s ok to be scared. Fear is completely natural. It’s strange that when I actually have something to really fear, I walk into it proud and strong, and it only just now hits me. Am I ready for this? I think what really scares me is consistency, consistency and commitment. Nothing has ever been permanent for me, and I do know that it’s my own fault for that. The only thing that's ever been permanent is the people I love, and even them I've neglected. Would I make a good wife? Would it be the fairytale I put inside my head? I don't know…but the thing is I don't want to sit back and let something pass me by just because I'm scared of it.

All the relationships I've had were full of games with each other for years. I love you, I hate you, I want to love you to the full extent but I'm too scared to try. I don't want games anymore. I've never wanted to actually be perfect for someone. I've taken on this...you get what you deserve from me, personality with relationships. I wanted to meet someone that I actually want to give 100%, and take nothing from. And the strangest part is…when I don't want to take, that's when I am given everything. Love is such an ironic thing. I'm still trying to understand how this all happened. It's like one day something inside of me lit up and I felt this rush of emotion. I've never felt a rush before. I know one thing that attracts me to him is the fact that he doesn't just feel as though he wants to just have sex with me. He respects me. Everything I say is important, and he doesn't forget one minor detail. He doesn't just see me as a girl; he sees me as a woman. He has faith in me. I'm not only beauty, but I am brains too. That is exactly it. It's always been that I need you for this and I need you for that. I need you to listen and be here, and guide me in the right direction. I don't need anything from him. I don't have to help him. All I have to do is love him, and believe in him...so what scares me? Nothing is perfect, and no one is perfect…but I found someone who’s so close to what I consider perfect, that it completely scares the living hell out of me. I can see strengths, I can see weakness's…but they are nowhere near big enough for me to shut myself off. It isn't settling; it isn't because I am bored. It’s rigid, and it hurts like hell, and at the same time it’s amazing, and wonderful, and makes me feel warm and fuzzy. Its…crying, laughing, smiling, and doing all of it because it’s what my heart wants, not because it’s what they expect me to do.

I now live in reality which is actually very awkward for me. I've never been real. It’s hard to say that. While you're growing up you claim yourself as so many things that just aren't reality. Or maybe I just did. Maybe I just wanted to find myself and could never truly relate with anything. Who am I anyways? I took on so many different personas that I seemed to have lost myself. Underneath all the layers, I'm just me. And I…am actually alright.

I’m pretty plain, sometimes boring, but I am smart. I always think I am doing something wrong, and am always apologizing. I can't stand confrontation, and would much rather talk about something rather than fight about it. I tend to surround myself with black and white because I’m too insecure to add color…and so I express myself through my writing. I enjoy art, music, and movies quite a bit, but when I’m happy I can't seem to find that spark to light the fire. I am incredibly impulsive, but have actually learned how to fight impulse and use my brain before I act. I’m always trying to be the best, do the best, and please everyone around me. Not because I’m self-centered or egotistical, but because I just want to make everyone happy. I change my appearance often; I get bored with myself often, probably because I haven’t quite mastered being satisfied with my body, or her appearance. I am working on that though. I’m learning to love myself, every bit and piece of what makes up who I am. I plan out everything inside my head before it happens, and this mix's me up because my intuition guides me, but my fears hinder my abilities to listen to myself. I try hard to be optimistic, but this little voice inside of my head is constantly putting me down. I’m quiet because I can't concentrate on people because people bore me. I don't want small talk about the weather, I’m always searching for something more than that and there is only one person whose entered my life who I can actually get to the very depths of my inner self with, without him cutting me off because they're scared that I know too much and that's about it. I mean there is more of course, but that's what I know for sure.

This was a bunch crammed into one and I'll continue to search for myself. But at the same time I'll stop searching and just live. That's one hurdle that needs to be trampled. I need to focus on just living, not searching, not wanting an answer. There are no answers to these kinds of things.

I think what really scares me, is leaving everyone behind that I am there for. Unlike my mother, I understand that at some point you have to let go of helping everyone else, and concentrate more on yourself. My life is full of mini ambitions and I am not quite sure how to put them altogether. I think of last year and the learning experience, the growth, the pain, the fun and loneliness. It is like little fragments of yourself, each a personality of its own, and who you are is determined by which one of those little guys dominates your soul and eventually your brain.

I am moving on again…another marker in my long list of notches indicating the various changing points in my life. Seems like the older you get the more of these you notice. I have to accept the fact that I am obsessed with change and most of all observing it. Internal changes are my forte. I turned 30 almost a year ago. I realized there was still so much that I want to stuff into my thirties before moving on to the dreaded 40s. No offense to anyone out there reading this 40+.

Well…wedding season is definitely all around me, all my friends that is. It is like every other person is getting married. Friends from the past are married, more are getting engaged, and some are having babies. It seems like I am planning to go to weddings and baby showers more so than I am planning to go on vacation which is simply faux pax in my world.

Speaking of traveling, I am thinking of a couple of places to visit. I am just not sure how to go about it. I am out of Oskaloosa and back in Lawrence. The town is quite hard to get out of, not sure what it is exactly about this place, and I don't say that in a loving way, more like that feeling of having an invisible strand of hair on your face that you can't find. You end up looking like an idiot trying to get it off of your face until the feeling subsides and you return to idiot mode again when it reappears seemingly moments later.

However…I am writing again, so that's good. My writing keeps me going. Not enough time in the day though. Go figure. It is this real world work thing that gets in the way.

Oh! By the way...

Nice to meet you!

2011-10-31T13:29:00.000-07:00

Well hello there!

I thought I'd try this blogging thing out.

Couldn't hurt right?

There's an app for that...

Exhausted...

I'm only human...

Nice to meet you!